Why is it so hard for me to find my writer’s voice? On average, my writing breaks down into four categories: journaling, academia, songwriting, and poetry. These voices all feel so different. When writing prose, I feel uncomfortable. Maybe 90% of my prose –  intended for an audience – has been essays and research papers. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. I’ve actually improved my writing significantly through all of my academic work. (When else do you get regular feedback on your writing?) The other 10% that reaches the public is in the form of casual social media posts. Typically, I put a lot of effort into those little blips that appear on peoples’ newsfeeds, but they still aren’t disciplined practice for creative prose. My infrequent, casual blog posts (think Tumblr) are closer to my writer’s voice, but have little restraint. I throw some writing conventions and grammar out the window, curse like a sailor, overuse exclamation points, and talk about intimate details that I don’t wish to publish. They’re diary entries. While I’ve been told they can be fun to read, I still don’t want to write in that fashion when it comes to a meticulously curated blog.

It’s difficult to decide how I would like to be perceived. I know this much – I have to show it. I am a firm believer that you must live, breathe, ooze whatever it is you want to embody. I don’t mean to force it or do it disingenuously. I just mean that it is essential to be an example of whatever it is you want to represent. Words are only part of the equation; you have to walk the walk.

Funny enough, this can be demonstrated in writing. For example, if I want to portray the idea that I am an environmental rights activist, I wouldn’t simply write endless blog posts about all of the ways I want to reduce waste or preserve natural habitats. Instead, I might share different lifestyle choices I make to achieve these goals or write about events I attend run by organizations with the same ambitions. You can actually show how actions speak louder than words, ironically, through words. A reader would find it boring and monotonous to only read about the ways someone hopes to make a change. It’s far more compelling to read about how someone is actively making change.

The persona I want to embody is multifaceted. I don’t want to simply be a mental health advocate, a critic, or a food blogger. I don’t want to just be seen as thought-provoking and empathetic, I want people to recognize my humor and wit. It is an ambitious goal, I believe, to try and market myself as so many things. From what I understand, most bloggers or content creators prefer to stick to one focus, although there are some exceptions.

There seems to be this new breed of content creating Moms who manage to do it all; cooking, food styling, interior design, parenthood advice, motivational speaking… I admire this approach. I even envy it a bit. While I clearly don’t know anything about these women’s personal lives, they always make motherhood seem so glamorous and simple, especially those who are stay-at-home or work-from-home. I often have to remind myself that it is neither glamorous nor simple, but simply the amazing illusion of photo/video editing. Not to mention an incredible amount of work, effort, and talent on the creator’s behalf. As a mom and a creative, I’m plenty aware. 

Something else that can generate envy within me is the belief that these women are making a full-time salary by creating content. I recently quit my salaried job, leaving me in financial limbo. A job that appears to be easy, fun, and lucrative is very appealing, especially after leaving an extremely stressful career field. It’s easy to assume that people with lots of likes or views on social media are making big bucks, when in reality, most of them are not. There is often the assumption that people who are famous are also rich, but people become famous all the time without any money involved. While some of them do make enough to quit their day jobs, my guess is that most of them do it for pleasure. Making beautiful Instagram reels and posts is almost as satisfying as it is to look at them.  

My desire is to market myself as someone similar - who wears many hats, is multi-talented, can be smart, funny, and serious. Maybe presenting myself as such is not as difficult as I want to believe. The issue is that portraying my authentic self comes naturally in-person; I’m just not sure how to do it “on paper” yet.

Perhaps I shouldn’t oversimplify things. There’s a bit more riding on this internal conflict besides fulfilling the lifelong dream of running my own website/blog. I would also like for Bavarde Avant Garde to serve as a portfolio. I believe it can showcase my writing, design, and conceptual capabilities. After a conversation with a friend, copywriting has intensely piqued my interest. It’s been a very, very long time since I’ve considered making money writing. In fact, I’m not even sure I’ve wholeheartedly believed it was possible. Something in me wants to pursue it. Something in me believes it could truly be my calling, that it could be key to creative stability and personal joy. Perhaps a career in writing could be the answer to my creative and financial prayers. It’s worth entertaining. This website/blog could be a step in the right direction. It’s helping to light a fire under my butt in terms of becoming a more disciplined writer. 

I will be a writer.

I am a writer.

I will learn how to monetize my writing talent.

I will pursue a career in writing.

I am afraid of these affirmations. Thre’s part of me that doubts. I am working on making it smaller. Instead, I am feeding my ambition. When I think about writing as my path, something about it feels so incredibly right.

It feels like an illuminated runway, synchronized with the night sky, and the person in the orange vest is waving me on. I’m the airplane ready to take flight and embark on an incredible journey.

It makes me emotional to think about. Even more so to write into existence. I’ve always been a creative soul, but it is hard to own that. I don’t feel that I am worthy enough to claim it. Being creative as a teacher was not intimidating, perhaps because I represented so much more than just myself. Being a writer, poet, or musician involves a different, deeper kind of vulnerability. It’s just me and there’s nothing to hide behind.

I often suffer from imposter syndrome when it comes to creative pursuits. Even though I’ve had many people support my talents — whether it was friends, family, teachers, or strangers — I was never encouraged to pursue any of them as a career. I understand why. I do not mourn the life I’ve lived. I don’t feel as though I should have pursued a writing career long ago. In fact, I’m sure that would have been disastrous. All of the life experiences I’ve had will make me an even better writer than I could have ever been ten years ago.

If I don’t pursue a writing career and all I have to show for is this blog, I’ll be okay with that too. What matters is I’ve given myself permission to not only fail, but to succeed. Maybe it doesn’t work out. Maybe I decide it isn’t a good fit and I change my mind. I can accept those possibilities. What we often don’t imagine is the possibility of getting exactly what we want. So… what if I did? For now, I want to picture it, manifest it. I’m excited to see what happens now that I’m choosing to believe in myself.

My hope is that if I keep writing, I will eventually find that writer voice I am so desperately searching for. Maybe I’ve already found it.

Note from the author

This post started as a stream of consciousness meant to alleviate my writer’s block. For weeks, I struggled to find the “perfect” way to kick off my blog and to “accurately” represent myself. After some editing and revision, I realized this is the the most honest and vulnerable piece I could open with. If you are reading this, thank you. I hope you come back to watch me grow.